I am sitting alone in my kitchen crying in pain. For as long as I can remember my period pains have been bad enough to floor me. Usually they come at night, I wake at 2 or 3 in the morning feeling as though someone has been punching my stomach and back. Nothing makes it better. Hot baths, cold baths, drugs, exercise. It normally lasts for about 12 hours.
12 hours of unstoppable pain. And the whole time I’m having to deal with that it just feels like extra punishment. I already didn’t get pregnant, now my body punishes itself for that with cramps so bad that I’m sweating and shaking. It hurts so much I throw up. I spend hours at a time sitting on the toilet, clutching my belly and crying.
Luckily my six year old is away today, she’s not here to witness me crack up. I’ll never get used to this. Sometimes I wonder if maybe this pain has something to do with why I’m struggling to conceive, but doctors have told me everyone experiences PMS and period pain in different levels, nothing to worry about.
It’s times like this I wish I wasn’t a woman. If I can’t even have a baby, am I a woman? I don’t feel like one. I might as well get a hysterectomy, at least then I wouldn’t have the pain, the monthly reminder of my dysfunctional body.