Period Pain is like a Punishment

hot water bottle

I am sitting alone in my kitchen crying in pain. For as long as I can remember my period pains have been bad enough to floor me. Usually they come at night, I wake at 2 or 3 in the morning feeling as though someone has been punching my stomach and back. Nothing makes it better. Hot baths, cold baths, drugs, exercise. It normally lasts for about 12 hours.

12 hours of unstoppable pain. And the whole time I’m having to deal with that it just feels like extra punishment. I already didn’t get pregnant, now my body punishes itself for that with cramps so bad that I’m sweating and shaking. It hurts so much I throw up. I spend hours at a time sitting on the toilet, clutching my belly and crying.

Luckily my six year old is away today, she’s not here to witness me crack up. I’ll never get used to this. Sometimes I wonder if maybe this pain has something to do with why I’m struggling to conceive, but doctors have told me everyone experiences PMS and period pain in different levels, nothing to worry about.

It’s times like this I wish I wasn’t a woman. If I can’t even have a baby, am I a woman? I don’t feel like one. I might as well get a hysterectomy, at least then I wouldn’t have the pain, the monthly reminder of my dysfunctional body.


Phasing Out a Toxic Friend


A friend of mine recently said to me Ah, I can’t wait for you to get pregnant, I’d be such a great Aunty! I shuddered. See, this isn’t your run-of-the-mill regular, normal friend, this woman is toxic. I decided I needed to phase her out of my life.

Why phase her out? Why not just tell her how I feel? That doesn’t work with her. To explain why, I’ll have to explain a little about her.

This is a woman I have known for nearly ten years. We’ve worked together, we’ve gone out on the pull together, she’s been a really good friend. As with all friendships, that changed once I got married and settled down. I don’t like going out clubbing until the wee hours, she does. I don’t want to sit in bars and chat to strange men, she does. When sober she is brash and rude to everyone, not just me, and when drunk she is simply intolerable. You can’t say anything without her having done whatever it is before, and better than you. So many times I have uncovered needless lies she has told and I no longer trust her or enjoy being around her.

Things got worse when she got a new job last year, apparently working for an events company. She was working four nights a week, earning a fortune, becoming more and more confident each time I saw her. She was quite obviously an escort but didn’t tell me for over six months. Now it’s all she talks about, how great she is at her job (lying down?), how it’s not prostitution (it is) and labelling every man she talks to a potential customer. It’s sickening. I tried to be supportive at first, but it’s taken over who she is. She makes inappropriate comments in front of children and tells everyone she meets what she does. The lines between the real her and the character she created haven’t just blurred, they’ve disappeared.

I recently spoke to her about how I feel and she just brushed it aside, pretended I hadn’t said anything. I don’t know what to do with her any more, so the only option is to phase her out.

I have to do this subtly, as you can imagine many people have already done this to her and she is becoming wise to it. I’ve started by not initiating any contact, and when she contacts me I wait a while to reply. The next stage will be to only see her in group situations where I don’t have to be the only one to deal with her awful behaviour. From there? I’ll have to see how it goes, play it by ear.

Have you ever had to phase out a friend? How did you do it?



How To Get Pregnant Fast: 6 Easy Tips


Obviously, these are not actual, genuine ways to get pregnant. The only way to do that is to have sex at the right time and cross your fingers the little swimmers find your giant egg. In my quest to have a baby of my own I have come across some ridiculous suggestions of how to speed the process up, here are some of my favourite how to get pregnant fast tips:


This is one I hear all the time. Remember that scene in Friends when Phoebe’s brother suggests it? Well actual real people do it too. Even a friend of mine who is a Doctor said it to me. Just get drunk. Hell, it works for a lot of people right? You watch Jezza and they’re all like It was just one drunken mistake and now I’ve got triplets! Arseholes. Lucky, lucky arseholes.


Have you ever tried relaxing when someone’s telling you to relax? Yeah, it’s not easy. There’s life, rushing past, all you want to do is add another heartbeat into the mix before your biological clock runs out but don’t stress, worry not, just relax. Easy? I think not.


Connected to number two, the age old don’t think about it advice. I desperately want a baby, every time I have sex I know that there is a tiny possibility we could be making a baby. That is HARD to not think about! Yes it kills the mood slightly sometimes, and yes it would be lovely to be able to forget about it, but I can’t. Why don’t you stop thinking about how it would be lovely to fly like Superman, then maybe that will happen too.


No, that’s just stupid. There are 3 – 5 days a month when conditions are perfect for making ze babies. Having sex the other 23+ days of your cycle will not increase your chances, so just shut up.


On the flip side, some people recommend only have sex when you’re fertile. For me that would mean 3 days of sex followed by up to 44 days of no sex. That’s more days than in that crap film. Funnily enough, I love my husband and enjoy having sex with him, not just for the purpose of procreation. Abstain. Humph!


This one I’m going to be a little easier on. If you have a good diet and you regularly exercise then your body will much more closely resemble a temple than the fat bird camped outside KFC. However I have spent the past year on a strict diet & exercise regimen and, hold on, wait, oh yeah – no baby!


What are the other crazy old wive’s tales you’ve heard about how to get pregnant fast?

Unlucky! Try again.


If you’ve ever  had trouble trying to conceive you’ll know how I feel today. Each cycle you time the sex carefully, you eat well and abstain from alcohol after ovulation and you cross everything that this will be your lucky month. And you wait, and you wait, and then finally you cry, because once again this is not your lucky month.

I am unlucky with my periods. My cycle ranges between 35 – 48 days in length so if I’m going to be late, I have to wait until I’m really late. This month I got to day 39 and was feeling tired, sore boobs and a bit sick. I was bloated and started to get a few mild cramps. This happens every month, this is what PMS feels like for me. Yet every month I manage to convince myself that this time it feels different. Every little feeling I have, every food craving – could it be a sign? I learnt long ago not to Google every little thing. The internet convinces me I could be pregnant and then, when I’m not, I’m even more devastated. Losing on the scratchcard of life.

And now I have to wait again, I won’t be ovulating for three and a half more weeks! Seems so unfair I have to wait that long. My husband thinks I should start doing my BBT again just to be sure, usually I just go on cervical mucous (gross, huh?!) but that isn’t a foolproof system.

How do you cope each month when you’re struggling to conceive?

The Beginning


All my life I’ve been rubbish with contraception. That’s not something any woman would usually admit to, but it’s true. I very rarely used condoms, always forgot to take the pill and just never really bothered worrying about it.

I got married in my late 20s and for the past two and a half years have been actively trying to conceive. My husband is nonchalant about the whole thing, he already has two kids you see.

I’m already a mum to a 6 year old, I just didn’t meet her during the first year of her life. I’m a good mum, but I don’t feel like other people see me as that. I feel like everyone – friends, family, in-laws – sees me as a step-mum. That’s not to say I want a baby just to prove them wrong, of course not, but that would be a bonus.

I want to be able to join in conversations with other mums about pregnancy, cravings, birth, nappies, sleepless nights – all the things I missed out on.

This isn’t something I feel I can discuss with anyone, people think I’m being ridiculous, but I can’t help how I feel, can I?

For now I’m going to do some housework, go to the kid’s singing recital and think about why I felt I needed to start this blog at all.

AJ. x